finals procrastination

fresh start 2007

you know every new year, you look back to the old one and just think, damn i went through a lot of shit.

but this new year, i found happiness. and i say that genuinely.  i really can't remember the last time i've felt like this, probably high school or something. 

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to
ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably
more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so
remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best
friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry
because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you
love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've
never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute
of happiness you'll never get back."

i've found contentment...and i'm making a bold statement by saying...i think i'm ready to take on the new year.

mid-college crisis

i guess that's what you can call how i'm feeling. and i hope a lot of others are feeling the same way.

it's being so torn with the idea of living up college, and the fear that the real world is coming for you soon.

still finding peace of mind with the whole opposite sex. torn between how much you miss the feeling of love and how you know that it's just not what they're looking for at this age, and you have too much to focus on to worry about that.

trying to feel pride and connection to this new sorority thing, but still making time for the people i care for most, and most importantly, getting good grades this quarter.

i can't say i'm unhappy, because i am happy for the most part.  but sometimes i still feel uneasy, like nothing's stable. 

grateful

discontent

i am sitting at work. completely and utterly useless.

I am just beginning to enjoy my summer, the 10 hour work days are gone...and finally the beach days are here.

went up to norcal, and i must say, more than anything....it got me thinking about my future.  where i want to be, what i want to be doing, and it just kicked me in the ass how much i should be working right now.  I want to be successful in my profession..but i won't get there if i don't start working hard to get there now.  it's about getting the experience and a foot in the door, and what better time to start but soon?

i have been a little more proactive in choosing how i feel and live.  I will become the person i once was, and just throw myself into building what I want for myself.  I am going to live college up now..

and through all this time, i still feel discontent.  even though i am probably the luckiest person out here. and i am surrounded by only the best. 

and it makes me frustrated when i feel unhappy--i am 20, living 5 minutes from the beach, with the best friends and family i could ever ask for.

and the only conclusion i could come to is that i feel useless right now.  I have nothing i'm truly passionate about that I am working my ass off for--like i did through high school.  and as much as I have people that love me and I love them, no one is depending on me, and no one truly needs me to be there.  but that's ok...it's just different.

i want to feel purposeful again.  and i'm just looking for the position, the role to make me feel that passionate again. 

so maybe you don't understand why personally, for ME, i want to rush this year.

just try to understand--i need to feel purposeful, i want to feel passionate towards what I am doing/achieving.

I have been fortunate enough to KNOW what that's like...asb, basketball...to have something fire you up so much, that you WANT to do more, that you compete with yourself to be/do the best.  and i just miss that feeling.

so you may think i've been at my weakest lately?  emotionally?

au contraire. it's just taken me awhile to gain my independence back.  It's making me realize that this is my time for myself.  That I'm going to stop waiting for others, stop living for others, and for once...just look out for myself.